Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
