theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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