I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize