put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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