i just sent this text using only my big toe
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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