Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
