high people should be assigned attendants
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
