we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
