Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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