I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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