why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
