i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
