last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
