My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Sober January is a disaster.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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