listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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