A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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