I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
