What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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