nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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