The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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