i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
