i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
