You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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