My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Are my feet made of real feet?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
