You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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