I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
