Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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