At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
