I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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