She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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