Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
