I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
