mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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