You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i black out too much to be "responsible"
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
