I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize