I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
