does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
How's work?
Spinning.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
