still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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