Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
