If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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