I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
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