Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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