she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
