apparently the secret to your success is patron
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
