I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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