Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
