cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize