Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
