our cab driver is having phone sex.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
