the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
