You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
