the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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