Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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