I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
