so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
