don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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