My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
When did angry sex become our thing?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
