I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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