i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
