Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
