i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
