I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
